my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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