My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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