god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
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I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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