Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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