I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
