why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
