You're completely useless in the revolution.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize