i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
