At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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