I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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