Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
