Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
