I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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