so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
