You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
