some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
