If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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