Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
