There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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