I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
