I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
