dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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