On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
