i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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