I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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