Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
