Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
