apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
