It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
