What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
