Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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