"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
