we have pet lesbian snakes
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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