i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize