Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
