Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
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She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
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Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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