there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Randomize
