I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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