Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
