Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
