My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
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So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
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Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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