Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
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