After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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