i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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