I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
