you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
