Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
