the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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