My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
