When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
