tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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