pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
