remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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