Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
